A few simple words to destroy everything.
"-I fear you...I fear the thing you have become..."
What have I become? Simple. The thing I tried my best to destroy. I struggled to kill this type of thing everytime I recognized it in others...and yet it grew stronger and stronger deep inside of me.
What can you do when the one you love most fears you? Where could you run when there's a monster trapped inside of you? To whom you may turn...when everyone seems taking steps back at the near sight of you?
We do feel alone...
We're surrounded by so many and yet there's no one around us. It's like we're lost even though we know this road so well...
Time to carry on.
I take my ripped jeans, my muddy boots, an old In Flames shirt and run down the stairs, as if somebody would be waiting for me downstairs, in front of my house... So here I am again, facing the cold air choking me to death. I can hear that wind again...the same wind blowing like in the day I met him. I never actualy find out if I love the wind because it's part of me, or simply because he loved it....and I loved him.
I'm such a disgrace. I'm too proud to speak and too selfish to hold my tongue. I'm standing out in the cold with a silly shirt and it's freezing my ass off. It's not the first time I'm standing here. I know this road far too well. I pick silent nights to come back here. No one on the road to see some silly blonde shaking like gellatine.
It's just me against the world.
We're not pretty tonight. Messy hair, bitten nails, messy clothes, no make-up. Why didn't we make an effort to look nice if we hoped to see him tonight?
Probably because he fears us.
Sometimes, when you look into the abyss, it stares back at you. Why isn't this thing looking at me? Come on...you torment me every single fucking night...at least have some decency to respond... How delightful....I'm being ignored by the dominant part in me and I'm naive enough to try and make it throw a one-second-gaze.
Suddenly I see people. There are never people here...
Why don't you try screaming?
They don't seem to hear me.
Why don't you try grabbing them?
They don't seem to feel me.
I simply give up and walk back home, facing the cold weather once more. Maybe next time I'll be inspired enough to take a bloody jacket.
The next morning I wake up, make me a coffee, smoke my 2 morning ciggarettes, as I do every sincgle fucking morning. The same routine every single day. Take a shower, text message my desk-mate asking if he'll go to college that day, put on my clothes...right after I find them, put on a mask of make-up, fix my hair-if anything can be fixed there, put on a stupid smile and get out the door. Great day for science, isn't it Dexter? Suddenly there's people walking near me. They stare. The same stare I get every single fucking day. They smile as if I have spinach on my face or something. It's not a jerkish smile, neither a perv smile...more like "You're so small and cute it doesn't matter you have bad table manners!". I hate spinach. I hate people staring. I hate bad table manners. If I'd kill a man this instance, people would pat me on the back and say it's alright, shit happends. Last night no one seemed to notice I exist.
Hmm...next time I'll go out again on my trips, I'll put on some mascara & lipstick. That would make people aware of my pathetic existence.
Everytime I don't do my make-up and hair and push them to "the extremes" and try a more natural look, people seem to push me out of the way...When I look more like myself and the way I wanna be...they simply move out of my way...smile or keep their eyes on the ground.
You don't see me. You will never see me...
We do feel alone.