12 May 2009

We do feel alone...

A few simple words to destroy everything.
"-I fear you...I fear the thing you have become..."
What have I become? Simple. The thing I tried my best to destroy. I struggled to kill this type of thing everytime I recognized it in others...and yet it grew stronger and stronger deep inside of me.
What can you do when the one you love most fears you? Where could you run when there's a monster trapped inside of you? To whom you may turn...when everyone seems taking steps back at the near sight of you?
We do feel alone...
We're surrounded by so many and yet there's no one around us. It's like we're lost even though we know this road so well...
Time to carry on.
I take my ripped jeans, my muddy boots, an old In Flames shirt and run down the stairs, as if somebody would be waiting for me downstairs, in front of my house... So here I am again, facing the cold air choking me to death. I can hear that wind again...the same wind blowing like in the day I met him. I never actualy find out if I love the wind because it's part of me, or simply because he loved it....and I loved him.
I'm such a disgrace. I'm too proud to speak and too selfish to hold my tongue. I'm standing out in the cold with a silly shirt and it's freezing my ass off. It's not the first time I'm standing here. I know this road far too well. I pick silent nights to come back here. No one on the road to see some silly blonde shaking like gellatine.
It's just me against the world.
We're not pretty tonight. Messy hair, bitten nails, messy clothes, no make-up. Why didn't we make an effort to look nice if we hoped to see him tonight?
Probably because he fears us.
Sometimes, when you look into the abyss, it stares back at you. Why isn't this thing looking at me? Come on...you torment me every single fucking night...at least have some decency to respond... How delightful....I'm being ignored by the dominant part in me and I'm naive enough to try and make it throw a one-second-gaze.
Suddenly I see people. There are never people here...
Why don't you try screaming?
They don't seem to hear me.
Why don't you try grabbing them?
They don't seem to feel me.
I simply give up and walk back home, facing the cold weather once more. Maybe next time I'll be inspired enough to take a bloody jacket.
The next morning I wake up, make me a coffee, smoke my 2 morning ciggarettes, as I do every sincgle fucking morning. The same routine every single day. Take a shower, text message my desk-mate asking if he'll go to college that day, put on my clothes...right after I find them, put on a mask of make-up, fix my hair-if anything can be fixed there, put on a stupid smile and get out the door. Great day for science, isn't it Dexter? Suddenly there's people walking near me. They stare. The same stare I get every single fucking day. They smile as if I have spinach on my face or something. It's not a jerkish smile, neither a perv smile...more like "You're so small and cute it doesn't matter you have bad table manners!". I hate spinach. I hate people staring. I hate bad table manners. If I'd kill a man this instance, people would pat me on the back and say it's alright, shit happends. Last night no one seemed to notice I exist.
Hmm...next time I'll go out again on my trips, I'll put on some mascara & lipstick. That would make people aware of my pathetic existence.
Everytime I don't do my make-up and hair and push them to "the extremes" and try a more natural look, people seem to push me out of the way...When I look more like myself and the way I wanna be...they simply move out of my way...smile or keep their eyes on the ground.
You don't see me. You will never see me...
We do feel alone.


  1. Though I would like my opinion to be unbiased,it shouldn't be like that.One of my main principles,guidelines and qualities was to think things through,analyze the problem with efficiency and FIND the solution.No...I will not do that.I will "share your grief" and speak my mind.

    I've read your story 4 times now.I was waiting for a post from you;sometimes I think this is the only way I can reach your inner self,the only way I can commune with you mentally.It has been years since the last time I've exposed myself and i might be ambiguous and inconsistent.My mom used to tell me that I express myself like a boot anyway.

    My curious nature wanted from early ages to socialize with people.I wanted to be part of something...I hate loneliness.So I did.As a little kid I was friendly and communicative and got along with most kids at kinder-garden.Open to anything new and educated to give anyone a chance I found some great people in my life.For some it was harder to give up on their fears and just let go but I had patience.As years flew by I changed towns/schools and friends.Basically I was happy with my life and the way people treated me.Like I was dreaming,I was part of something.All that until I grew-up and I realized something awfully true...In every community I have been my opinion was never accepted as viable.Due to my young-ish attitude towards life and my easiness with which I used to put a smile on their faces when they were down,my "gregarious" ways led them to the conclusion that I might give them an inappropriate advice,a bad option.Suddenly I understood perfectly what my role was in those groups...It is too obvious to write it down and too painful to repeat it.I started to hate myself for not knowing how to deal with people,how to make them understand that I am 100% devoted.They couldn't understand that I could be anything they needed me to be:a friend,a joker,an adviser,a Cupid,a bodyguard and so on...So I changed...very fast actually...I had vengeance and all that "jazz".I was cutting through people's feelings like a hot knife through butter,I was defying anyone who opposed me...I was winning.But what for?I was lonely...

    Us,humans,by default will always strive for perfection,will always sacrifice ourselves and our loved ones for evolution,for goals we can never achieve.But let's say we reach perfection...Whats next?What will we fight for?We will fall in vanity,self-compassion and envy.Paradoxically we couldn't do that because in the given situation we would be "perfect"...but if we think it again someone before us did it.We all know what happened after.

    Yes,we might feel alone,but we aren't.We all have our moments of anxiety and self-destructiveness,we all fear the ones we love will never accept/understand us,the way we really are.But hey...they are the ones who love us,right?I am sure they can live with our mistakes/"defects"/bad days/moods and so on...If not,then I think love is not what I thought it was.Actually I am pretty sure...I know what love is...I am living it everyday.

    Please excuse my grammar mistakes and my lack of talent.I could never be more exquisite and suggestive as you when it comes to writing.

  2. I must disagree with your mother....you expressed your point of view quite naturally. At least that's how I see it...Me, on the other hand...I never was good at expressing what I feel, so everytime I wanted to tell something about myself, I had to write down some story as if I'm not the main character there...or simply talk in english(and mess it up because of the poor exercise)...
    From what I can tell, you've been through the same problems.... At least you've changed...you're not a joker/entertainer anymore. I remain a rope for others to climb upon...a rope that will surely break in time.

  3. Hmm....almost forgot...you said this is the only way you can get to know me...but do I know you? :P